Danse Macabre ~ Zig et zig et zag, la mort en cadence

2008-03-22T20:06:00.002+09:00

A year doesn't seem like such a long time, especially in the grand scheme of things. It's not even an atom in the comic ocean of life. It's just a mere 365.4 days. What's a year?

However, if you really think about it, so much can happen in a year. Lives begin and end, friendships are made and broken, nations develop, wars begin, wars end, drought, flood, famine, prosperity, depression, marriage, moving, jobs, children.. so much changes in such a short span.

Each day we live, we look at what we're doing and don't really think about it. We make choices, define our paths, define ourselves, without really realizing just what directions we may take. You are not the same person you were a year ago.

Your life is not the same it was a year ago. In each moment of change, even in each moment of the mundane, really look at your life. What you do now will affect you a year from today, perhaps for the rest of your life. Who are you today?

Think about it. Really think and remember.. 10 years ago, was "last year" at one point.

I look over the past year in awe, I never imagined how different my life would be. I look forward to the future with awe, inspiriation, joy, and trepidation.

I wonder who I'll be.. this time next year. I can wait to find out, I'll enjoy now.

Blessed Be & have a wonderful Ostara. May your dreams and hopes come to fruition.

2008-01-31T16:20:00.000+09:00

Victims, aren't we all?

We have all suffered at the hands of another; all have felt the quiet agony of betrayel, distrust, anger, hurt, and disenchantment. We taste the bitter flesh of sorrow and consume it, wallowing in our misery. We seek no solace, wish no comfort, and lash out at those that give it. We become numb to the anguish that is heaped upon us, day in and day out. We become a shell that will no longer endure the suffering, but becomes empty in retaliation.

The shell will exist and get through each day; acknowledging nothing, accepting nothing, and only crawling further onto the cross. It will hang in its woe. It will expect others to see and take pity. It will expect others to feel the same anger, the same burn of vengence. It will allow the numbness to fester and become a weeping sore; infected, oozing, and covering the entirety of the soul. There is no escape from the self pity and the denial of one's own place in the scheme.

The light at the end of the tunnel is elusive. Fingers reach and fall away, catching nothing. Redemption is beyond the grasp. Only through introspection and yes, further suffering, will we become enlightened and move on. Only when ones own sins are acknowledged and forgiven, will growth occur. Growth is necessary. Change is needed. Anger is a curse and a burden to be cast away.

Bitterness binds, like a shackle or a noose about the neck. It strangles the soul, devours the essense of who one truly is. It kills any chance of hope, redemption, and finally.. joy.

Betrayel does not last forever. Love can. Which do you embrace? Which do you center your world around? Which, truly, becomes you? Or, in the case of rancor, do you become it? You, the real you, dies. It is a death that can be avoided.

Come down off the cross.

We are all victims; all. Every... last... one.

Some just choose to get beyond it and be victims no more.

Do not be the forever victim, self pitying and full of woe.

2008-01-12T02:54:00.000+09:00

Sin? I will sin again.

I will sample the flesh, taste the wine, gorge myself on exstacy.
I will live life as though there will be no tomorrow.
I will sing, I will scream, I will moan and sigh.

Sin? I will sin again.

I will wrap my lips around life's sweetest fruits and savour them deeply.
I will lay the silken sword upon my tongue and embrace with velvet lips.
I will envelope the dagger into my womb.
I will push against anguish and pull in joy.

Sin? I will sin again.

I breath.
I know.
I taste.
I touch.
I hope.
I believe.
I dare.

All the pleasures of the world I will drink deep.
Sin and sin. The biggest lie.
To die without indulgence seems the greatest sin of all.
I will devour the glory of the world. It is our gift. It is our blessing.

Sin? I will sin again.

I will reject the idea that euphoria is a crime.
I will ignore the notion that only through suffering will we find peace.
I will rebel against those that will deprive me of that wonderous gift of joy.

Sin? I will sin again.

There is no sin!
Sin is a construct to control the masses.
All that is sin, is that which quenches a sensual need or an emotion of happiness.
Deny the "fact" of sin and live!

Sin.. I will sin again.

I will dance to bring fire to the loin.
I will sing to bring lust to the heart.
I will carress, stroke, coddle, and hold any with whom I feel love.
I will feel no shame for my desire.

Sin? I will sin again.

I will stand tall and proud of who I am and what They made me.
I will yearn for the temptations that lay before me and tease.
I will succumb and partake of the sumptuous bounty without regret...
so long as I cause none other pain.

I will drink deep the passions, pleasures, joys, lusts, hopes, pains, and taste life to the absolute fullest.

And when my time is done. I will pass with a mischievous grin and give thanks for the gift of a life richly lived.

2008-01-12T02:45:00.000+09:00

You are defined, put into a box, categorized.. labeled. Every facet of life bears a tag. Wife, husband, lover, son, friend, companion, Pagan, Christian, enemy, acquaintance. Words, words, words to pigeonhole, not just what you do, but who you are and how you feel.

When circumstances change, all that truly changes is the narrow definition. You wear a new tag. You may feel the same, but your box bears a new name. From pregnant to mother, girlfriend, to fianceé, to wife; lover to husband to ex. The person is unchanged... just another label.

Every minute, every hour, every day someone supplies your label. The eyes that look upon you, ascertain or guess your very essense and apply a tag, based on what they see. It may or may not be accurate, but it is how you are percieved. You will have to fight to change that tag, no matter how ill fitting to your garment, your persona, yourself.

You, yourself, apply these indicators. You choose how things are branded. If that changes or shifts, so does the label. If you can find no perfect match, you are lost.. confused.. and uncentered. You need to find another category... somehow... some way.

We say we hate them. We say we don't want them, but they are what they are. They describe, define, and give us a haven amoung those who bear that same tag. Labels, words, definitions, stereotypes. They are what they are... and we need them.

... whether we like to admit it or not.

2007-12-04T15:21:00.000+09:00

A poem I stumbled across while perusing the internet:

Twas the month before Christmas When all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying Nor taking a stand.
Why the Politically Correct Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.
The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a 'Holiday'.
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!
CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.
At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.
Inclusive, sensitive, Diversity
Are words that were used to intimidate me.
Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!
At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace.
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holiday!

It is sad that politcal correctness has taken over so much. It's tragic that people are consumed by commercialism and material things, rather than the reason behind the holiday season. That part of the poem, I agree with 100%. Christmas Carols? Sure! Christmas Tree! Of course!

The only part I take umbrage with is the elusion that mentioning other holidays is somehow part of the problem. Other holidays have always existed. Promoting Ramadan or Chanukah isn't detracting from Christmas. Naked capitalism and political correctness is. We're so busy trying to "not offend" people, we're removing the soul from the entire population.

Part of diversity isn't erasing the culture, it's embracing and acknowledging all of it. Not white washing it into a dull amalgam where everyone's 'the same'. I don't have to celebrate Christmas to appreciate that it's a lovely holiday. Nor does it offend me if someone does. I would hope no one would get offended if I said "Merry Yule"

I believe the problem is people who go out of their way to get offended. If you display Christmas regalia, that must mean you're anti-semetic, anti-diversity, or trying to shove your Judeo-Christian concept of Divinity down someone's throat. It MUST mean that you're ignoring and shunting aside the other celebrations of the season. It couldn't possibly mean that one is merely celebrating a popular holiday, appealing to a majority populace, and expressing joy in the season. Not everything is part of a giant Christian conspiracy to assimilate the masses and destroy all dissension.

Celebration of one holiday in no way diminishes or dismisses any other holiday. If one is actually deeply offended because someone else's holiday is being celebrated, the problem lay with them. The problem lay with people who get their feathers ruffled when they demand that everyone bow to their whims, just to get them to shut up and stop complaining. I am well aware that other beliefs and ideologies were ignored for far too long, but the pendulum should not swing the other way.

We should not eliminate ALL possible connection with Judeo-Christian culture from this society, just as we should not ignore ALL non-Judeo-Christian belief sets. We should embrace and acknowledge all. However, by and large the population of the US is Judeo-Christian. Why should the majority not be reflected? Just because the majority is more visible, that does not mean we're seeking to abolish the minority or make it so they cannot celebrate. I'm not going to pitch a fit because there's no Winter Solstice cards put out by Hallmark. I'm not going to be offended because there's a Santa at Wal-Mart instead of a Holly King. That seems ridiculous.

The thing is, people are taking the idea that America is a "melting pot" way too literally. When you melt things down they become one, big homogenized mass. There's no distinctive flavour and no way to tell all the parts that had gone in. I think we should reconsider the "melting pot" analogy and look at America more like a salad. You can tell what every piece is, every part, and no matter how much you toss it around each part is still distinctive and carries its own flavour. Yet, it's still just 1 salad.

We can celebrate, acknowledge, and laud all the cultures within this great nation. We can admire and respect each other and our differences, without them having to cowtow to our own beliefs or without having to squash those that may lay in opposition to our own. We have the Freedom to live as we choose, believe as we choose, worship as we choose, celebrate as we choose, and speak how we choose. That's what America is about, isn't it?

I grew up with my family celebrating Christmas, had a grand old time. I've been a practicing Wiccan for 20 years. Gosh, amazing how that works. I can enjoy something that isn't in my belief system, simply for what it is and I don't even feel oppressed. I made a choice to not be offended unless someone was intentionally trying to offend me, even then I check the motivation. Amazing how that works!

Frankly, I'm getting sick and tired of people who go out of their way to be offended. The nation was built on freedom, that includes the freedom to be different. It's appalling we're trying so hard to ignore those differences and present this murky, joyless conglomeration of commercialism without any basis to our children.

Dream Tree? Are you kidding me?

Have a Blessed Winter Solstice & Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Blessed Ramadan (etc) to those who celebrate.

2007-11-30T17:47:00.000+09:00

Live and let live, say I.

It an easy thing to say, but seems much harder in practice. For some reason when another presents an opposing viewpoint or is contrary to your personal desires, it sparks a desperate need in the human psyche to seek it out, destroy it, or assimilate it to one's own comfort zone. It often leads to discontent, strife, subterfuge, and sometimes outright warfare.

Talking heads speak on the value of diversity and the enrichment of divergent views, but in practice that is not so. Diversity is only valued when it fits into one's own comfortable little niche. Diversity is only valued if it's within your realm of control or understanding. Divergent views are shunted aside or squashed, so that one does not have to challenge one's own paradigm.

This is absolutely tragic.

What could you learn if you truly live and let live? How many lives could you enrich if, instead of seeking to control what is outside your realm of influence, you actually sat, listened, and learned? Knowledge is power, not control.

Destroying what is not yours does not give you any measure of control. All it does is cheapen your spiritual and intellectual experience. It removes you from enlightment with every accusation or covert action against another and their opposing view. It detracts from any growth that you could have attained by just listening and respecting another's view.

Live and let live. We are the embodiment of the Divine. Their essense resides in our very souls and is reflected in the shell. Each difference is a lesson that we can learn. Each divergent view is yet another aspect of the Divine. By shutting down what you do not control, understand, or agree with you become what you detest.

You become weak, feeble, and narrow minded. You lose the higher self in the pursuit of power and in your own arrogance. You lose out on the lessons that are held before you, in whatever form they may take. If you cannot allow an opposing view to flourish, what does that really say about you? Is your spirit so weak that you cannot stand up and be a shining example of what you are?

If your faith is challenged, that should harden your resolve. You should be able to stand up and know exactly what you are and defend it, without having to resort to name calling or degradation of another path. If your lifestyle is mocked, that should strengthen your position. Live in the best manner you can and seek to disprove perception by your mere existance.

Let the weak ones be those who cannot abide another being in "their" world. Let the truth of diversity be in yourself. There is no reason to be spiteful or cruel.

And if all you seek is power, then you will never, ever be powerful. The rule you have over any will be shallow, because you know.. deep down.. you're nothing without it. Power is in the ability to accept others and let them live their lives, without your having to prove you're "better" than they. If you're truly better, people will know. They will know because they see it, not because you destroyed all who stood differently.

True power lies in the confidence to let others exist without capitulation. True power lies in knowing who you are, inside. True faith resides within the heart, not in how many converts you manage to sway.

Live and let live, say I. The more lives I see and experience, different than my own, the better I feel I am as a person.

2007-11-02T11:56:00.001+09:00

trust –noun reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

Seems simple, doesn't it? It's just one word. It means you can rely on someone or something. It should be easy. I give you my word, I mean it. Trust me.

Trust and you'll be trusted, said the liar to the fool. When the word, the solemn vow, has been violated you lose trust. It's almost impossible to regain in that individual or that thing that broke the oath. Even worse is when you've had repeated offenses to your trusting nature. You then you learn to trust in nothing and no one at all.

However, sometimes you just can't trust. You build a barrier between you and everyone else. You keep your secrets. Hide yourself. You hole yourself up inside yourself. It's easier that way. Then no one can know you. No one can touch that part of you. No one can hurt you. And you will desperately shove anyone away who even approaches a level of trust. You won't allow it. If they can't see what lies within, they can't reject it or you. They can't break you. You're solid, shielded, and strong.

It's not truly strength, though. It's a facade. It's weakness and fear. It's easier to keep everyone out and have a strong wall than be vulnerable. How do you learn to trust again? How do you allow yourself to be vulnerable when all that's ever done is bruise your soul?

What do you gain from trusting someone? You gain the ability to believe in someone. You gain the ability to believe in yourself. You gain a confidante, a friend. You gain someone you can share the greater part of your hidden self. You can tell your secrets, share your pain, and help each other with your anguish. You can share your joy. Joy shared, is joy enhanced.

Continuing on with the distrust is self denial. It prevents you from experiencing joy again. You go through the motions. You may not be hurt, but you won't get the full measure of extacy either. Is keeping the pain at bay worth losing the delicious happiness you could feel, if only you trusted someone, if only you believed in someone.. or something?

It's a long road, learning to trust again. It's a painful road. There will be bumps, snags, and setbacks. There will be suffering. There will be anguish. In the long run, however, the rewards are worth the risk. Without risks you become a shell of a person. A husk in which feelings will fall away, like leaves in autumn.

Without risks you will be empty.

2007-10-29T21:23:00.000+09:00

Faking it.

Like a smile that doesn't quite reach the eyes, sometimes we're faking it. Pretending to feel things we don't feel, saying we want things we don't want, acting as though we give a damn when, in reality, we really don't. We do them because we fear hurting others or revealing a deeper truth. We do them to appease bosses, coworkers, friends, and even loved ones. We do it to keep the 'status quo' and maintain a comfort zone.

Assumed identity, imitation thoughts. All these things are a wall. A barrier that keeps everyone out and crushes the real you that dwells within. Hiding behind a wall of cynicism you keep faking it. The words spill forth, unbidden without thought. After a while, so used to the guise, the line between reality and the fallacy is blurred.

It's in the eyes. It's in the manner. Faking it. The truth is always there to be seen and everyone knows. Everyone can see it, but yet you keep going with the perjury. You don't want to reveal the real you and what you feel. You don't want to destroy all that you have built on these tales. You fear what will happen when reality sets in.

Sometimes we spew lie after lie, so we can keep on faking it. Do it long enough and you can't even recall what the truth is any more. Do it long enough and the false you becomes real, until someone or something shatters the illusion and leaves you desperate and clinging onto the memories you have of the false you. Your heart breaks at opportunities missed, lies told, and farcical dreams built.

Someone ducks behind the barricade and sees the reality. They accept you and all your flaws, yet you keep going with the lie to others. It feels impossible to start life over. It seems unbearable to believe when, for so long, you didn't and couldn't. How do you show everyone the real you? Will they accept it, when all they knew was the front? Will you be left alone, unregarded, and abandoned? That's the fear.

Fear keeps the real you in check. Fear of the unknown. Fear of exposure. Fear of the real you not being good enough. Fear of your real desires affecting things you need. Fear at losing what matters to you.. fear of losing.. everything.

Where do we go from here? What do we do when someone or something sees you, laid bare? How do you cope with that? How can you go on? What do you do next?

I wish I knew...

2007-10-26T04:22:00.000+09:00

Sometimes you'll get a new toy or plaything. For a moment that plaything consumes your existance. You love it, you want to play with it all the time, you don't want anyone else to touch it. That toy is YOURS and yours alone.

However, in time, that toy becomes nothing to you. You've seen all it has to offer and, while you still enjoy it, it's just not worth bothering with. Every once in a while you'll take it out to play with it but, by and large, you're done with it. It was fun, for a time, but it's time to move onto something new and special. The old toy sits upon a shelf... collecting dust. Small, crystal tears appear on it's form from neglect and being lost in the shuffle.

Then.. then, someone else desires your toy. It's yours! Even if you never play with it, it's YOUR toy. How dare anyone else want to dabble with your plaything? Obviously you love it more. Here, take the toy down and play with again. Show how much you love and want it, even though you'd ignored it for months.. years. Someone else wants it, that makes you want it MORE. It... is... your... toy! You had it first.

"A gun on the floor
A hole in your head
Just like a whore
You wish you were dead

Such a pretty toy to play with"*

Does that toy not deserve the attention it craves. If it's no longer fresh and and new, does it cease to be important? Does it deserve the quiet death of a back shelf... unregarded, unloved, and unimportant?

Cut it.. it will bleed. It will feel pain. Just notice it. It hurts when its ignored and disregarded. Acknowledge its existance and it will live again. Such a pretty toy.. left alone on a shelf. See it. Know it. Realize it.

Leaving it to collect dust and it will cease to be the beautiful toy. It will become an empty shell. It will become nothing.. Emptiness.. void..

It bleeds. It hurts. It knows. Take it to bed. It will know and feel love again.

Its just a toy though.. so does it matter?

"Such a pretty toy to play with...."

*Lyrics "Pretty Toy" by Velvet Acid Christ

2007-10-23T02:53:00.001+09:00

I was going to write a poem
I tried to work it out
I couldn't think of anything
No epiphany to write about

I was going to make a rhyme
and make it something deep
I couldn't find the inspiration
Perhaps I should just sleep

I thought about a haiku
or maybe a limerick, I'd jot
No syllables or jokes
not one thing have I got

Maybe I'll write a song
I think quietly to myself
Now I have no music
and dust on my brain's shelf

I thought I had some rhythm
It's usually easy for me to write
Instead I sit here befuddled
and my neck is getting tight

I just know that if I leave it
the thoughts will come around
but of course I'll have no pen
or paper to put it down

I guess there'll be no poem
no silly rhymes to read
You're stuck, instead, with nonsense
And the hope that your eyes didn't bleed.

2007-10-14T16:48:00.000+09:00

Shallow. Often I try to justify my existance with supposed deep thoughts or ideas. They're meaningless, though. Drifting through, day to day, I ponder the shoes I am going to wear, the books I wish to buy, the calls I want to make, the voice I want to hear, the place I need to go. Is that all their is? Is my daily life so reft of meaning I actually have nothing better to do than worry about these mundane, plebeian, and drab things?

Thoughts will tumble over themselves, sometimes chittering at the edges of my conciousness, but they get lost in the shuffle of the every day. If I could hole up, just for a while, would that make it better? Would I then be able to say that I am truly a better person, for taking the time to take out my soul and wash the stain of banality away? Am I deluding myself into thinking there is more? Am I just trying to appear as though there's more substance, when in actuality this is all that I am; my existance wrapped up in the insignifigant details.

I try to think, to learn, to know, to explore. To what end? Am I looking for meaning, justification, fulfillment, enlightment? Is some small part of me looking to laud my thoughts over others who do not even try to see deeper meaning? What manner of being would do that? Am I really that shallow? Why do I even care? Do I always feel this way?

Existential crisis. My life is laid bare and I am left to wonder. I wonder who I am, where I am going, and what I have done so far. I look back, not with regret, but with sorrow at decisions made and choices that cannot be undone. I wonder at my motivations. I wonder at the logic, when logic seemed to fail.

I dig deep down into every nook and cranny into a life and find it wanting. It's not that I don't like it or that I am unhappy or that I don't appreciate what I have, I just wonder at the missing part. There's a space that needs filled, it's not spiritual. In that way I am blessed, but it's something else. I can't explain what it is. It's like a sore spot in the mouth, your tongue keeps finding it and prodding at it. You can't figure out how it got there, but you keep nudging it just to feel the pain.

This sounds angsty as hell, but trust me, this isn't bred of angst. It's moreso a mild discontent and a random collection of thoughts. Verbal vomiting, if you will, a stream of conciousness. I doubt I'll even be able to make head or tail of it later. I don't expect anyone else to get it now. Maybe I'm just trying to purge the ideas from my head, freeing them and making space for something else. Something different, something new.

Shallow. Am I?

2007-10-04T06:29:00.000+09:00

Sex is a beautiful, wonderful, natural, and obviously, very pleasing thing. However, we still speak about it in whispers or with giggles. There's still much judgement abound in sexuality. We shield it from our children (though we have no problem showing them violence). We tuck it away or make broad generalizations. We're fascinated by it and hear about it all the time, yet we're so puritanical. Sex is oft considered to be locker room talk, or something best left discussed in private.

It's shrouded in myth, mystery, lie, and bias. People are led to feel shamed by their desires and their actions. Then there's double standards. What's good for a woman, is not for a man. What's good for the lover, is not necessarily meant for the spouse. It's acceptable to be "kinky" with 'certain kinds of people', but if "normal" people have a kink, they tuck it away so no one can ever know.

It's so sad that we hide our sensuality and our desires. It's tragic that we feel we have to hold ourselves up and compare ourselves against others. What's too little, too much, too many, too few? How is a relationship defined? Polyamory vice monogamy - one is deemed normal, the other deviant. All are cause for judgement to far too many people.

Why?

Why can we not embrace our desirous selves? Why is there even a percieved norm? Are we not all different? Are we not all unique? Do our desires have to fall into cultural norms in order for us to gain approval from our peers?

Tragically, that seems to be the case. We're conditioned to accept a certain standard of behavior (different for men and women, single and attached) in our sex lives. If we do not, we don't discuss it for fear of rejection or ridicule. That's ridiculous.

We're creatures of desire, lust, love, and hope. All can be encompassed in the act of love. All can be experienced very deeply in that most intimate act. The form it takes shouldn't matter. One shouldn't be judged on what they do in the privacy of their homes, even if it breaks the societal mores (illegal activity aside, or that which hinders another).

I embrace my sexuality. I will make no apologies for who I am, what I've done, or what I wish to do. I will not feel shame for any of it. It's part of me and I cherish it. I am free and unfettered.

Will I be judged for feeling this way? Likely. Do I care? I would be lying if I said no. I do care, but it's moreso a sadness than discontent at being mocked. It's sadness because people judge based on what they've had drilled into their heads about what's "normal". How do you even define normal or moral? Doesn't that change based on the moment or the context or even the person?

It's truly tragic that we've taken something so beautiful, pure, and intimate and turned it into something we hide, laugh about, judge, or shy away from.

Throw off your chains and live! Embrace your sensual self. Accept that there is no mold. It's your life, your feeling, and your joy. If you're consenting adults and you both wish for something to happen, don't let anyone else hinder your pleasure. The only bindings are the ones you place on yourself. No one else.

If they judge you, remember.. it's their loss. They are the ones shackled by their own morality. They are the ones who see the body as something to hide or sex as something to mock, judge, or shun. They see it as dirty...

I see it as a "growing closer".

And really.. why is that a bad thing? No matter what form it takes.

2007-10-03T09:55:00.000+09:00

"Beauty is the Enemy.."*

The trappings of the aesthetic can lead down a dark and lonely road. I don't refer to the beauty within the natural, I refer moreso to the common concepts of beauty and the modern, industrialized world in which we live. People strive to surround themselves with beauty, only to succumb to the trappings of an existance that's essentially meaningless. Work and work, no time for the appreciation of what they acquire and never satiated. The cycle can be never ending. What is it when one is enrobed in beautiful "things", but lost the soul in their pursuit?

And what of the concepts of human beauty? Our natural selves, in their pristine states, no matter what the form, are oft seen as grotesque by many who judge us. The real beauty of mind and soul is forgotten in the pulchritude of the shell (or in the lack thereof). One rarely notices the mind and spirit of those with which they speak, nor will they even bother to scratch beyond the surface of one they deem unappealing.

Some strive to see beyond it, but it seems a nearly hopeless cause. Even the least visually appealing of our race will sit in judgement of others whom they deem to be 'ugly'. Some work so hard to be seen as outwardly beautiful, they become inwardly hideous. Some destroy themselves, slowly, so as to appear better or more desirable.

"those who dive beneath the surface glorify the grotesque.... Acceptance of ugliness is the redemption of sanity"

With the advent of electronic anonymity, we can dig the further down, beyond the surface and find the beauty within. We can see into people's minds and hearts. We catch glimpses of true elegance and intelligence. Dig deeper and deeper and we'll see the soul. The external rarely reflects what lies within.

If the world were blind, would we worship the false idols of perfection personified? Would we see them as heroes and people to be adored, or would the ugliness finally give way? Could we live in the dark and 'see' true beauty?

"They are the elect to whom grotesque things bring only rapture"

Devotion and dedication should be earned by merit and an alluring spirit, mind, and soul. Open your inner eyes and seek out the lighted soul of one who may not be outwardly beauteous. Notice the essense of the individual and not their physical attributes or their monetary accouterment.

The light you see will be your own, as you experience that which is truly beautiful.

Redeem your sanity..

"Ugliness my flag.."

*Quotes are from "Beauty is the Enemy" by cEvin Key

2007-10-03T08:31:00.000+09:00

Is it necessarily a bad thing to recognize the dark side of ourselves? Denying the macabre is a denial of part of our souls. To truly appreciate light we must embrace the dark. To feel the fullness of joy, we must understand and have felt pain.

But what is our responsibilioty when working with dark magic? Should we ever call upon the darker gods and goddesses to pay them homage? Why are the darker aspects of the divine ignored? Are we afraid they will be unleashed?

Is the darker side of self something to be shunted aside or banished - or should it be embraced as an aspect of our own personal polarity? Everyone has thoughts ans feelings best to keep to themselves or thought to be such. Such things are normal, but we hide them. We leave them in the recesses of our mind, out of shame or embarrassment.

Nature is not all kind and benevolent. It's peaceful and violent, light and dark, birth and death, mating and murder. Those aspects seeming darker are just the cycles of nature. They are normal and carry beauty, even in the grotesque.

What pure nature lacks, it seems, is the petty vindictiveness, the arrogance, and the selfishness of man. But not all tenebrous thoughts are bred of those; they just are. We can respect the darker part of self, without giving in. By accepting it without shame and embracing it, we can seek to understand our selves and be not ashamed of what we are.

We are part of nature.

Creatures of and kin to the divine.

Both sides.. light and dark.

2007-10-03T07:51:00.000+09:00

The goddess was dying. Through greed and corruption of kings, emporers, and popes; her voice was being silenced, her people slain, and her once fertile and thriving culture was laid waste. Her dying voice echoed quietly in those who remembered and knew her, in secret. Her songs were hid away, like so many of her brave daughters.

Yet she lived. She lived in the recesses of her children's hearts. She lived in the gentle thoughts and beliefs of those who spoke her name, privately, so that none could hear them chant to her and keep awake her memory. She lived in the annuls of time, she lived in the back rooms of people's homes, she lived in the very Earth we stand on.

Now she begins to thrive. Voices once hushed and hid, now rejoice loudly and call her name. The dying goddess reawakens with each new heart that knows her. Her rebirth is slow, but each phase is marked in celebratory joy. Each moment that passes, another calls to her, quietly but with chants loud and ecstatic. With each dance, each moment in love, and each utterance of her name, she grows stronger.

The goddess will live, truly, again if we remember her and keep her from darkness.

2007-10-02T04:58:00.000+09:00

Sometimes, I have no idea what to think or say. I sit back and ponder life and think about its meaning. Sometimes, I ponder my own selfish needs and wants. I feel powerless over my life, my feelings, my cravings, my desires. In those moments, I see the big picture and know my needs and wants are insignifigant, but I still long for them.

I feel as though I'm just a being who drifts through, day to day. Moment of desire to moment of desire. Is it merely sensual, is it merely spiritual, is it merely cerebral? No, it's a combination of all.. yet, it's a combination of none. I am whole, I feel all. I cannot box or pinpoint the cause of my worry or my discontent.

I want love, I want to be desired, I want to be wanted, I want to be needed. I want to feel as though my life truly matters. Not in the cosmic sense, but in the here and now. I want to feel as though my life intertwines, bisects, and matters to someone else.. as much as their existance and life matters to me. I want to feel I am as important to someone, as they are to me.

Is that a lot to ask? Is it selfish? Is it arrogant to want to be unique, special, and be thought of as important? Perhaps.. but don't we all want that feeling in some small measure? Don't we all wish to feel that we're valued, cherished, loved, and that we are truly important to someone else?

Does it not cut us to the core, when we feel we are not? Who are we, if we do not see ourselves mirrored in someone else's eyes? Is that not the mirror where we seek to truly judge ourselves, our being, and our place?

Do we not all wish to feel as though we are a star...?

2005-05-15T07:39:00.000+09:00

In my freqent internet travels, this question once posed: Is 14 too young to be "in love"?

My response was as follows:

Obviously people around your age are going to say "Of course 14 isn't too young to know what love is, I'm (14, 15, 16..) and I'm in love!" as though, because they believe they're in love, they really must be in love.

Do I believe it's possible? Certainly. However, most people who insist they're "in love" at such a young age are in mutual infatuations. Perhaps there's a great fondness for the person you believe you "love" and, while it feels like love, it isn't really.

So just what the hell is love? Can it be defined? Sure it's a strong feeling of fondness for another, but that's not all it is. Can you really, truly explain what "love" is? Probably not.. but how do you know if you're in love?

Well.. here are some clues.

Love means you really, truly, only want what's best for that person. Even if it doesn't mean you. For example, I absolutely loved my ex-husband. I still love him to this day. However, I knew damned well that I wasn't right for him. It hurt like hell, but I left because I loved him and he deserved someone who actually would be right for him.

He and I were very different people and we're great friends, but as a couple we were a nightmare. Neither of us would be able to grow if we were together.

Love is acknowledging and accepting flaws. Most young people look at their partners through this haze where they can do no wrong and/or they're just SO GREAT OMG! When you love someone, you can look at them and see that... yes, they're a bit heavy, dumb, skinny, nerdy, weird, dirty, etc. and you still love them. You accept their flaws and don't try to make them change. (within reason.) Which brings us to:

If someone's flaws are things that can hurt them you have to love them enough to be honest with them. If they're fat, you have to love them enough to tell them.. "I love you, but I'm concerned about your health." Then you have to help them. If that means you don't eat pizza and french fries in front of someone struggling with their weight, then you don't eat pizza and french fries. Which brings us to:

Sacrifice. You should be willing to do whatever it takes to help someone, if they're willing to help themselves. If your partner desperately needs to lose weight.. you should eat healthier and exercise with them. If they need to stop drinking/doing drugs you give them up too. If they need time away from you, because their grades are slipping from spending so much time together.. You should respect that and give them the time to study. Even if it hurts. Which brings us to:

Tough love. If you love someone, you don't let them hurt themselves just to make them happy. If your partner is abusing drugs, you don't just LET them. You intervene. If they refuse to get help, you let them know that if they're going to destroy their lives.. they will do it without you and mean it. If you stick around, you're letting them know by your presense, that no matter how much they f**k up, you'll be there to pick up the pieces. That goes for money, food, drugs, skipping school, or whatever it is people will do to screw their own lives up. Which brings us to:

Love is work. It's not easy. You will have to take blame, you will have to give blame. You will share hard times, you will share pain. You will get through them together. You will do what it takes to make it through. You will be support for each other or you will leave them alone, no matter how much it hurts. Which brings us to the most important one:

If you love someone and they love you too, really and truly love you. Ultimately, you will be better for it. Someone you love will make you want to be a better you. For yourself and them. You will want to be successful. You will feel ambition. You will believe in yourself. You won't feel bad, unworthy, or unwanted. You'll feel vibrant, alive, and like you can conquer the world.

And they'll conquer it with you, because they will feel the same way.

THAT is love.

I will say this though, at 14 you're not ready for the responsibilities of love. Read everything I just said over.. Do you *really* need to worry about all that, at 14? I don't think so. I know my own daughter won't be allowed to one-on-one date at 14... mature or not.

It's just too much responsibility to put on someone who, really, should be figuring out who they are, themselves. Why complicate matters by trying to figure out who you are, who they are, and who "we" are?

2005-03-24T04:46:00.000+09:00

Life, Censorship, and Everything in It..

One often wonders why people wish to be babysat & have others run their lives. Is it pure laziness or what? Apparently it's too difficult to turn off a dial, change a channel, or walk away. We, as a population, have to keep the airwaves "safe" for anyone and everyone.. especially children under 2! We have to make sure that our billboards, advertisements, and even our t-shirts are "family friendly". (don't ask their parents to watch their kids and educate them about the world, there's that "effort" stuff rearing its ugly head again)

We wouldn't want little Jimmy to see that the world isn't a perfect place filled with rainbows and sunshine! No no, we don't want sweet little Sarah to know that it's OK to be Jewish or Muslim, that gay people aren't out to recruit her, and sex is a normal, natural part of life. We can't let the kids learn these horrible things! If we don't control all outside influences, how can we control their thought processes? If we don't make SURE to only show good, wholesome, Christian morals.. they might end up thinking for themselves!

I fear for these children. They're in for a very big shock and quite the rude awakening when they realize they're not perfect, they're not special, and the world isn't perfect. I fear for their parents when those same children are fearful or resentful of being left out of so many of the realities of life. Those poor children who know if they tell mom they really like the same sex.. or perhaps they really aren't Pentacostal, after all. They feel more like a Buddhist..

I'm revolted with these parents. These people demand the world revolve around them. They demand the entire society has to reflect their views, their beliefs, and their morals. They rally the states, the senates, and the courts to try to make sure that everything is in adherence with what THEY want their children to see and know. To hell with the rest of us, we don't count.

I'm even more revolted that they demand society do their jobs. It is not my responsibility to make sure your children don't hear "offensive" things on the radio or see "offensive" things on television. Nor is it the government's job! It's their's. They are the ones who can change channels, turn off dials, and approve what their children see and do. It's their job to speak to their kids and.. well, actually raise them. Leaving the child alone and then expecting everyone else to cater to your kids is patently ridiculous... but it's what's expected.

If one wants their child raised a certain way in a certain environment, one must pay close attention and raise their child in that way. You musn't be lazy and demand society revolve around you.

But then we get into that whole "effort" and actually having to be a parent thing.. and people hate doing that.

2005-03-05T04:37:00.000+09:00

I am absolutely fascinated with the lack of responsibility some people seem to have. What does it say about you, as a person, if you cannot or will not take care of your obligations? Or worse, you put more onto a plate that's already overloaded and things keep falling off the sides?

How does one decide it's a good idea to have another child, when the child they already have is not under their care and custody. I don't mean a situation like adoption, I mean it's their very own child and it lives with a relative because they couldn't be bothered (or worse, the state intervened). WTF does that kind of person decide that it'd be a WONDERFUL idea to go ahead and have another child? WTF kind of sense does that make?

Did you ever notice the people that are LEAST fit to be parents are the ones who have the most children and put the least effort and forethought into it? The mother who already has a child she can't/won't take care of.. the father without a job or any visible means of support.

Who pays for this? Sure us taxpayers do. But who pays the most? The children. Lovely. We're raising a generation of fuckups who will not be able to function in normal society because their parents were fucking idiots.

We're raising a generation of children who won't know how to parent and won't know how to function. We're raising a generation of cast off kids. The first kid was inconvenient so we let that one go, we'll do better with the next! I bet the first kid feels wonderful.. "Well mom doesn't want ME, but she likes her new baby"

Thank you SO much for giving the world the next generation..

.. of serial killers.

2004-07-31T12:54:00.000+09:00

We've stepped into an era of equality, however it's STILL unequal. Men are bearing a greater burden in many cases and women are laying back, just counting their cash. I find it absolutely abhorrant that women EXPECT men to pay for everything. I find it revolting that women SEEK out men, based on what's in their wallets.

Men need to STOP allowing it. They're merely encouraging women to be vapid, worthless, gold digging bitches.

I believe in equality in total. Not saying we're the SAME. I'm just saying we're EQUAL. Each has their own strengths and weaknesses that compliment each other very nicely, if we let it. Otherwise one becomes a patsy to the other.

We need to stop victimizing men and overcompensating for past indiscretions against women.

Examples:

Men STILL tend to lose custody battles, even if they are the BETTER choice to be a parent.
Alimony. What the hell kind of crock of shit is that? I understand back in the day, when a man left his wife, he was leaving someone who's SOLE PURPOSE in life was to keep house, wash his socks, and take care of him... someone who COULDN'T support herself on her own when she was left high and dry. So fine, makes sense.. she needs help.

These days? Why didn't she have a damned job in the first place? If THEY decided she'd stay home and raise the kids.. fine. If SHE decided she'd just be a housewife and give up a promising career.. tough toenails.
Divorce: In addition to alimony, men are being squeezed dry when it comes to divorce cases. Women, who many have had NOTHING to do with the success of her husband, are cashing in on HALF their earnings. Why? If she came in AFTER he was already successful, she doesn't deserve 1 red cent.
Child Support: Did you know that in some places, if a man lives with a woman who has a child, for 6 months or more he's legally obligated to pay support? Even if it's not his. Even if she's already getting support. ALSO, in MOST states.. if they were married.. he's obligated to pay support, even if it's found that the child is NOT his. (She can then hit up the biological father too)

By the same note, why are we FORCING men to pay support for children they didn't want? We're playing 2 sides here. And we're being a bit ridiculous about it. If a woman decides that SHE does NOT want to bear a child, even if the man truly desires to have that baby.. she does NOT have to.

BUT.. if she decides she REALLY wants that baby, even when the guy says I can't handle this, I'm not ready, I don't want it.. Tough shit. He has to pay through the nose. I think if we STOPPED forcing men to pay support for children they DIDN'T WANT. Women would STOP being so damned irresponsible or blase about bringing "surprise" children into the world. (and we wouldn't have the abuses I listed above)

If a woman decides she wants to have a baby out of wedlock by some random dude.. she'd better be prepared to raise it herself. She made THAT choice. She should be held responsible Just like if she chooses to abort.. that's solely on her, to hell with his thoughts. Should go BOTH ways.

I've already gone on long enough, but I think I've made my point here. (I could continue, but why) I find all of the above behaviours, while commonplace, extremely insulting, degrading, and demeaning to those of us women who WANT to work for ourselves, who WANT to make our own way, and who ARE independant..

and I find it appalling we're victimizing our men this way.

2004-06-09T13:20:00.000+09:00

We're now dealing with the generation of children who's parents were so into monetary gain, children were interesting things to have.. but weren't anything to stop the career for. Television & video games were the babysitters and educators.

The 90s was when that godsawful phrase "quality time" was put into play. That was the concept that, spending an hour a day with your kid, was perfectly acceptable.. so long as it was "quality". Meaning, you could all watch the same TV show together. Why actually spend ALL your free time with your child when you had "quality time"? That's plenty.

People need to realize that, if you have children, that *IS* your free time. That's what you do when you get home from work. Tough shit if you're tired or want to do "your own thing". You decided to have a child. It is YOUR responsibility to focus on said child. YOUR time comes at their bed time. If you don't like it, you shouldn't have had kids.

Now the time you NEED to spend with your child, of course, changes as they age. I know damned well my daughter DOESN'T want to spend all day with mom. She goes out and plays with her friends, she reads or draws in her room, etc. But I make sure to set aside time for just her and I. As much time as *SHE* wants. If it's a few hours, dandy.. if she's in a "I just want to be by myself mood" it may just be the dinner hour.

Parents also stopped checking in on their kids. They forgot to include in "quality time" to REALLY talk to their children. I know how puberty is progressing for my daughter, we've already had the sex talk, I know about her fears and concerns, I know what she wants to be when she grows up, and I've had many discussions about life in general with her.

I honestly doubt many parents really do that. I know mine didn't, which is specifically *WHY* I am trying so hard with MY daughter. I give her independence with the caveat that it *CAN* be taken away if she proves herself irresponsible.

THEN the whole issue of punishment comes into affect. We're now dealing with the "Time Out" generation. We're dealing with the offspring of the parents who were too afraid to discipline their children. With all the threats of lawsuit and all the government agencies stepping in at the drop of a hat, parents didn't want to bother.

So little Timmy or little Suzie would get out of hand. Mom or Dad would be standing there in a mild voice "now Timmy, don't do that.. that's not a nice thing to do" and Timmy would keep tearing the house up or acting like a small animal. "Oh Timmy.. we're going to have to put you in Time Out." Oh big deal. He sits in a chair for 20mins for setting fire to the cat. That'll teach him the consequences of his actions.

Finally, the WORST one of all. Parents who try to be "friends" with their kids. I want my daughter to love me, I want her to respect me, I want her to come talk to me when something is on her mind, I want an open relationship.. I do NOT want to be her pal. That blurs the line between an authority figure and a buddy. You'd laugh if your buddy tried to discipline you.

Being "the cool mom" is a misnomer. What kind of principles and ethics are you teaching your child if you smoke pot with them, let them do whatever the hell they want, drink or have sex in your house.. etc?

Am I saying to be an overbearing ogre? No, but they are CHILDREN. They need BOUNDERIES. They NEED discipline if they're going to grow up to be decent, functioning, contributing members of society.

I'm trying my damndest and so far.. I have a polite, well mannered, respectful, affectionate child with good grades. Is she perfect? No, but I try my hardest to actually PARENT. That DOES seem to make a difference, especially having met some of her peers. (foul mouthed, rude little bastards, some of em)

All I can do is try my best and hope. All I can do is actually PARENT.

Those of you who think your parents are overbearing assholes? Thank them, they care about you and want you to be a decent human being, able to function independently.

Those of you with "cool parents" who let you get away with murder.. tell them to knock it off and be parents. They're doing you NO favors and you will suffer for it later. Trust me, I've seen people with both kinds of parents. You don't want to be in the "cool parents" group, post 20.

2004-03-06T09:56:00.000+09:00

Greetings, Sinners! Welcome again to the next installment of.. "No one is really reading this anyway, but I like talking to myself and pretending I have an audience so I'm going to put more stuff up here!!" Hey, why not? It's my personal space (please keep a respectful distance. Arm length is best, thank you)

Anyway.. on to the weekly list. Come on people, email me more ideas.. my head is getting hurtie :(

Message Board Pet Peeves (those people and that STUFF that drives you insane on a board)

10. People who post single word/phrase responses. Heh, LoL, ROFL, pwned, etc etc... Yay, you appreciated and admired what the person above you said. Expand your thought or just appreciate it in blissful message board silence. I hate scrolling through clutter.

9. People who REALLY care about their post count. Why do you want people to KNOW you have no life, and spend most of your day posting inane pap, just so you can have the HIGHEST post count of anyone on the planet!?

8. Link Nazis. So a link is old, you've seen it before, or it doesn't interest you. You are not the only person on the board. You are not the be all, end all of board content. Check out the link or stfu. Someone ELSE liked it/thought it was new.. guess what, another person might too.

This goes for jokes/lists or other assorted witticisms that are just posted, rather than linked..

7. People who interject themselves into EVERY thread, whether they know anything about the discussion at hand or not. They just HAVE to inject their two cents, because damnit.. they MUST BE HEARD!

6. People who cannot fucking spell. It's one thing on a kid's message board, if English is your second language.. but when you're a natural born, English speaking person.. Why, why, WHY are simple words SO hard to spell? I don't mean an ocassional fuckup, I mean constant sub-grammar school spelling. Seriously, spell checks are your friend!

5. People who overestimate their intellect. If NO ONE else thinks you're smart, you're NOT smart. It's not that everyone else is so stupid they cannot comprehend your vast and overwhelming genius, it's just that.. honestly, you're a fucking moron. You need to stop.

4. People who ruin perfectly good, fun, or interesting threads (by derailing or something similar) just because the thread does not interest them. Again, the world does not revolve around you or your interests. Let other people enjoy themselves too.

3. People who have NOTHING nice to say about anyone at all. Teasing and arguing are all well and good, it keeps a board interesting, but shit man.. don't be such a fuckwad you can't be nice to even ONE person. It's not hard. I'm an asshole, and even I know how to be supportive every once in a while.

2. Board campers. Those people that sit there, just waiting for you to respond to them.. so they can instantly fire off their "witty" retort. Cause, if they respond REALLY fast, THEY WIN! You took too long to "think up a response" so they're the clear winner. (it couldn't be that you posted, then went out to work.. school.. or to socialize!)

1. Attention Whores. Sure everyone posts for SOME bit of attention, but there's that ONE person who feels that everything should revolve around them, their lives, and their interests. Typically they have INSANE post counts and truly believe that.. we can't stop talking about them, when in reality, they can't stop talking about THEMSELVES.

Man.. I need to figure out how to get to my archives. I'd had for my loyal readers (hahaha) to miss anything!

2004-02-19T16:56:00.000+09:00

Well today was exciting.. ok, not really. Just general nonsense and my constant bickering with the mindnumbing dullards that seem to OVERpopulate the internet. (THANKS AOL, you fucks)

So, I decided to start a weekly top and bottom 10 list:

Bottom 10 things I hate

10. People who can't spell. The occasional typo is one thing, but when your entire dialogue consists of half words, mutilated language, and/or bad grammar.. shut up.

9. Which brings me to: Ignorance being "cool". Why is it cooler to sound like a fucking "Half Baked" reject than to sound like you MIGHT have actually passed the 10th grade? Example "What's the capital of the US?" "Haha.. I dont no that shit u fukking geek.. hahah.. i gotz betetr siht 2 do then no that gay azzed shit" Yeah, really cool. I'm impressed. I'll hire you RIGHT NOW!

8. Dumbasses who believe that, because they're anti-government they're somehow "more enlightened" than everyone else. Don't call them on it, though.. they'll just shout vague conspiracy theories or call ya sheep! Oooh.. I'm hurt by your pseudo-intellectual, unsubstantiated drivel, seriously.

7. California Drivers - nuff said

6. People who stink. How hard is it to shower and wear some deoderant? Seriously... how the hell can people go out in public with a, near palatable, miasma of stench following them around? Do they honestly not know.. or are they just THAT disgusting?

5. Teenagers who think anyone over the age of 25 can't POSSIBLY know "what it's like to be a teenager these days". Right, cause... we skipped from 12 to 30! We can't possibly recall what it was like to hate school, hate our parents, not want to follow rules we disagreed with, want more freedom, feel new awakenings in the groin area.. etc etc. Come on kids, get a grip.. there are *SOME* differences, but the basics are the EXACT FUCKING SAME AS WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE. As for the differences, they're nothing so out there that a reasonably intelligent adult can't pick it up. Thanks ;)

4. Bad, angsty poetry. You know the kind I mean. The stuff that drips with words like maudlin, macabre, bleak, dark, dank, soulless.. etc etc. I won't say I never wrote it when I was younger, but that doesn't make it any less insipid or any less pathetic. Seriously, if you find yourself writing a despairing tale of woe set to rhyme.. put down your pen, turn on Court TV and watch Forensic Files. Just be grateful you're not the corpse and move on with your life.

3. People who harp on their differences but demand to be treated the exact same as everyone else. So you're gay, black, Mexican, Indian, Native American, etc etc etc. Have pride in your culture, that's the way it SHOULD be. HOWEVER, don't jump up on people's asses over every little tiny thing. Don't get all bent out of shape about the meaningless shit that doesn't matter. Choose your battles or that's all you'll ever be doing. You'll segregate YOURSELF and then wonder why you're being treated differently. Be proud of who you *ARE*.. but don't act like it makes you BETTER than anyone else.. which leads to:

2. Women who act like men owe them ANYTHING. Get off your gold digging ass and get a job. Quit expecting some guy to pay for everything. If you want equality, earn it and accept it on ALL levels. ie: You can't slap a man and expect him to NOT hit you back cause you're a female... selective service... You want abortion rights without the man having a say? No child support if he doesn't want the kid he never planned on and you do. Upfront, you know you won't be getting a damned dime... Bet the instances of "unplanned" pregnancies will drop.

1. Which leads to: People who glorify single parenthood like it's a fucking great idea.. way to give your kids a higher instance of poverty! Good job on making life more difficult for your child than it needs to be. If it wasn't a choice, gods bless you for doing your damndest. If you were a single dumbass who happened to get knocked up because you "forgot". You're not some wonderful fucking person because you decided to keep the baby. You're just an idiot who forgot birth control and you have to make the best of YOUR OWN FUCKUP. You're not a superhero. Sorry.

Top 10:

10. MP3 players - Tunes that don't skip when I PT? YAY!

9. A good partner. That person who just meshes with you and knows just what to say/do at just the right time. That's pretty sweet.

8. Teddy Bears. I've had mine 23 years.. he's never judged me, never cussed at me, and never bitched when I cried and got his fur wet. You can't beat that.

7. Starbuck's Frappicino - Fuck me for falling for their overpriced, yuppie crap.. but damnit, I just love those things :(

6. Lists - I love them, they're great. They make life so much more organized.

5. Erotic fiction, sometimes it gives some pretty neat ideas.. otherwise it's just fun reading ;)

4. Instant messenger programs - Without em, I'd either have an outrageous phone bill.. or I would have lost touch with some really incredible people I actually do care about. Time sucks like that.

3. Good friends who like you, even when you're acting fucked up. You KNOW when you're being an asshole.. that person who still talks to you later, never saying shit behind your back? Keep em, people like that are *RARE*.

2. Cell phones - Gotta love all those weekend minutes. I keep in touch with mom, sis, brother, other assorted family & friends.. without paying hundreds of dollars in long distance.

1. Winning free shit, I've had good luck with that, in some ways. Never won a BIG jackpot.. but won a slew of CDs (my choice), a 4 day cruise for two, and assorted other goodies over the years. Free shit always = the win!

Here's the weekly top and bottom 10. You wanna email me with suggestions for next week, feel free.. I may even put it up there. If it's really good, you even get credit!