29 October 2007

Faking it.

Like a smile that doesn't quite reach the eyes, sometimes we're faking it. Pretending to feel things we don't feel, saying we want things we don't want, acting as though we give a damn when, in reality, we really don't. We do them because we fear hurting others or revealing a deeper truth. We do them to appease bosses, coworkers, friends, and even loved ones. We do it to keep the 'status quo' and maintain a comfort zone.

Assumed identity, imitation thoughts. All these things are a wall. A barrier that keeps everyone out and crushes the real you that dwells within. Hiding behind a wall of cynicism you keep faking it. The words spill forth, unbidden without thought. After a while, so used to the guise, the line between reality and the fallacy is blurred.

It's in the eyes. It's in the manner. Faking it. The truth is always there to be seen and everyone knows. Everyone can see it, but yet you keep going with the perjury. You don't want to reveal the real you and what you feel. You don't want to destroy all that you have built on these tales. You fear what will happen when reality sets in.

Sometimes we spew lie after lie, so we can keep on faking it. Do it long enough and you can't even recall what the truth is any more. Do it long enough and the false you becomes real, until someone or something shatters the illusion and leaves you desperate and clinging onto the memories you have of the false you. Your heart breaks at opportunities missed, lies told, and farcical dreams built.

Someone ducks behind the barricade and sees the reality. They accept you and all your flaws, yet you keep going with the lie to others. It feels impossible to start life over. It seems unbearable to believe when, for so long, you didn't and couldn't. How do you show everyone the real you? Will they accept it, when all they knew was the front? Will you be left alone, unregarded, and abandoned? That's the fear.

Fear keeps the real you in check. Fear of the unknown. Fear of exposure. Fear of the real you not being good enough. Fear of your real desires affecting things you need. Fear at losing what matters to you.. fear of losing.. everything.

Where do we go from here? What do we do when someone or something sees you, laid bare? How do you cope with that? How can you go on? What do you do next?

I wish I knew...


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