14 October 2007

Shallow. Often I try to justify my existance with supposed deep thoughts or ideas. They're meaningless, though. Drifting through, day to day, I ponder the shoes I am going to wear, the books I wish to buy, the calls I want to make, the voice I want to hear, the place I need to go. Is that all their is? Is my daily life so reft of meaning I actually have nothing better to do than worry about these mundane, plebeian, and drab things?

Thoughts will tumble over themselves, sometimes chittering at the edges of my conciousness, but they get lost in the shuffle of the every day. If I could hole up, just for a while, would that make it better? Would I then be able to say that I am truly a better person, for taking the time to take out my soul and wash the stain of banality away? Am I deluding myself into thinking there is more? Am I just trying to appear as though there's more substance, when in actuality this is all that I am; my existance wrapped up in the insignifigant details.

I try to think, to learn, to know, to explore. To what end? Am I looking for meaning, justification, fulfillment, enlightment? Is some small part of me looking to laud my thoughts over others who do not even try to see deeper meaning? What manner of being would do that? Am I really that shallow? Why do I even care? Do I always feel this way?

Existential crisis. My life is laid bare and I am left to wonder. I wonder who I am, where I am going, and what I have done so far. I look back, not with regret, but with sorrow at decisions made and choices that cannot be undone. I wonder at my motivations. I wonder at the logic, when logic seemed to fail.

I dig deep down into every nook and cranny into a life and find it wanting. It's not that I don't like it or that I am unhappy or that I don't appreciate what I have, I just wonder at the missing part. There's a space that needs filled, it's not spiritual. In that way I am blessed, but it's something else. I can't explain what it is. It's like a sore spot in the mouth, your tongue keeps finding it and prodding at it. You can't figure out how it got there, but you keep nudging it just to feel the pain.

This sounds angsty as hell, but trust me, this isn't bred of angst. It's moreso a mild discontent and a random collection of thoughts. Verbal vomiting, if you will, a stream of conciousness. I doubt I'll even be able to make head or tail of it later. I don't expect anyone else to get it now. Maybe I'm just trying to purge the ideas from my head, freeing them and making space for something else. Something different, something new.

Shallow. Am I?


Blogger Tenebrae said...

~mental kerslap~ Lighten up the sands of time horridly scrap away pain and leave behind the scars of better days. ~mental kerslap~ in case the first kerslap didn't work. you are the brightest person that I know of and there is no reason that you should be lost so in the depths of your own self mopiness. Relight your candle lead yourself out of this sullen state and look to the light that is the love of your friends and family and wallow instead in their love of you and for you not in the depression that you feel for yourself. Look into our eyes and see how we see you and stop looking into the reflection of your hurt and broken self image. Time to see yourself as you truly are ~soul hug and smoochies~

4:48 PM  

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