02 November 2007

trust –noun reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

Seems simple, doesn't it? It's just one word. It means you can rely on someone or something. It should be easy. I give you my word, I mean it. Trust me.

Trust and you'll be trusted, said the liar to the fool. When the word, the solemn vow, has been violated you lose trust. It's almost impossible to regain in that individual or that thing that broke the oath. Even worse is when you've had repeated offenses to your trusting nature. You then you learn to trust in nothing and no one at all.

However, sometimes you just can't trust. You build a barrier between you and everyone else. You keep your secrets. Hide yourself. You hole yourself up inside yourself. It's easier that way. Then no one can know you. No one can touch that part of you. No one can hurt you. And you will desperately shove anyone away who even approaches a level of trust. You won't allow it. If they can't see what lies within, they can't reject it or you. They can't break you. You're solid, shielded, and strong.

It's not truly strength, though. It's a facade. It's weakness and fear. It's easier to keep everyone out and have a strong wall than be vulnerable. How do you learn to trust again? How do you allow yourself to be vulnerable when all that's ever done is bruise your soul?

What do you gain from trusting someone? You gain the ability to believe in someone. You gain the ability to believe in yourself. You gain a confidante, a friend. You gain someone you can share the greater part of your hidden self. You can tell your secrets, share your pain, and help each other with your anguish. You can share your joy. Joy shared, is joy enhanced.

Continuing on with the distrust is self denial. It prevents you from experiencing joy again. You go through the motions. You may not be hurt, but you won't get the full measure of extacy either. Is keeping the pain at bay worth losing the delicious happiness you could feel, if only you trusted someone, if only you believed in someone.. or something?

It's a long road, learning to trust again. It's a painful road. There will be bumps, snags, and setbacks. There will be suffering. There will be anguish. In the long run, however, the rewards are worth the risk. Without risks you become a shell of a person. A husk in which feelings will fall away, like leaves in autumn.

Without risks you will be empty.

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